For those of you that know me, you know that I often wear my heart on my sleeve and this blog will be no different. The events of the past week have made me question everything. I have gone through the scenario in my head over and over again and yet can not come up with a single valid reason as to WHY someone would commit the violent and senseless crime that occurred in Connecticut last Friday.
As my family and I drove down to New Jersey Friday afternoon, my phone buzzed and I quickly glanced to see that there was a shooting at a school. Sadly, I shrugged it off thinking " Great , another High School kid decided to take on the world and shoot fellow students and then kill himself. Phone was placed back in the cup holder and then shortly after it buzzed again. What I was about to read would completely change my demeanor and forever change me as a father and as a member of this society. I quickly glanced and read " 18 Elementary school children massacred" . Uh, what?? I handed the phone to my wife and she quickly scanned the article to only confirm that someone had actually taken an assault rifle and massacred 18 CHILDREN. My heart raced and I went through the gambit of emotions. i was angry, i was sad, my heart hurt for those parents that were effected and I immediately asked the same question that so many of us are still asking.......WHY?
We arrived at my parents house to see the coverage on TV and it crushed me. I was staring at an Elementary school similar to the one that our two girls attend and all I saw were sirens, paramedics, police and a sense of horror that I simply could not handle. My kids glanced quickly and I ushered them from the room and politely asked my parents to change the channel until I had time to evaluate the situation and figure out how my wife and I were going to explain this to our two Elementary school daughters.
Fast forward to bedtime and as always when we go to my parents house, one of us sleeps with one daughter and the there takes the other one. To my credit its always a battle to see who gets to snuggle with Dad, but tonight was going to be different. Tonight we watched the news for a few minutes and them my daughter actually asked me to change it since it was making her sad. I obliged and went into Dad mode and asked if she had any questions or if she was scared. She quickly replied...."Dad, could that happen at my school?"
Gulp, deep breath and here we go. I tried to explain to her that her school had security measures in place that would keep her safe and that the adults at her school would always have her safety as their main priority. Disaster averted and my 8 yr old fell asleep as I quietly cried in bed thinking " what if that were one if not both of my girls" . These poor kids went to school as if it were any other day and YOU took that from them.
Fast forward to Monday. As I watch the 6am news I am horrified at the step by step details they are offering up and even more disgusted at the fact that they continue to mention this MONSTER by name and continue to flash his image on the screen. Why is it we as a society NEED to see this ? Why can't we refer to this COWARD for exactly what he was? Why can't Matt Lauer say " The COWARD who committed these brutal acts then took his own WORTHLESS life before the authorities had a chance to get to him. He SHAMELESSLY shot himself before the authorities had the chance to shoot him point blank in the face like he did to so many of these children.
Then fast forward to the bus stop Monday morning. As a group we are mostly Dads. Loud, obnoxiously funny, and mostly in sweats and with bad coffer breath, but we make it look good. Well Monday was different. It was a chilly morning and we were all a little too quiet for my liking. We greeted each other cordially but that was it. The focus was on the kids and I could see it as clear as day. Nobody talked football and no mention of who drank too much and who didn't. Instead, with laser focus we were all tuned into the kids and when the bus rolled up we hugged them tighter and gave them kisses goodbye and sent them off to school. Was that the right decision ?
Monday was awful . A constant reminder of what happened to those poor defenseless children as they went to the place that we as parents hold sacred and as a safe haven. I checked my phone 100 times before my youngest got off the bus at 11 and then 100 more times before my oldest stepped off at 230. No messages from school was a good thing. I hugged them both as they jumped off the bus.
Neither of them really understands the gravity of the situation, but my 8 yr old is asking more questions and we are hitting them head on. I want her to know that there are bad people in the world that do bad things and that she needs to always be aware of her surroundings, but to trust that those adults that are around her will always have her back.
But how do I say all of that with a straight face, when I , as the ADULT have questions myself. I am struggling with the fact that someone, anyone, could wake up one morning and decide that it is OK to commit such a horrific act. Why did you do this? Why on earth would you target the only group of people that could not defend themselves? Why would you pick a school? Why after you killed your Mother which is horrific enough, did you feel the need to inflict pain on all of those children and parents? Why were you so angry that you felt this was the only way you would be able to react? And why did you kill yourself, you coward? Why were you not man enough to face the punishment for your actions?
These questions for me will never be answered and from here on I will always put our kids on the bus with a touch of fear that they could possibly be in harms way. That is simply not fair. We raise our kids in stages and this is supposed to be one of those stages where they smile from bell to bell and we are supposed to enjoy their daily accomplishments and achievements. Instead YOU took that away. YOU decided that the world needed to hear you roar and YOU needed to make a statement that would resinate for years to come. Bravo you spineless piece of trash! YOU accomplished what you set out to do. YOU made us uneasy as parents but know this, you have only made us closer as we all have taken a step back and realized that maybe we ALL need some more family dinners at the table together, less FB, less twittering and for crying out loud less Tour of Duty!
As a parent I can only hope that I can get them through each stage safely and with a smile on their faces. I want to teach them the ways of the world and how to appreciate everything they have and be thankful for every day. YOU will not stop me from that mission. YOU have made me pause and take stock in our daily routine as well as what I could do better as a apparent to ensure they follow a good path, but YOU have not broken me.
I cry for the parents of the children who were so recklessly taken from them and I cry every time I think of the fear and they must have encountered in the moments prior to being taken from us. I can only hope that there will be something positive that will come out of this event. What has this society become, where an INDIVIDUAL can somehow feel justified taking the lives innocent children. Children have always been OFF LIMITS. Jeez, even prisoners beat down the child offenders.
The game has changed people. We need to be having more conversations with our kids and checking in to make sure that they are in a good place. I know that I will cherish the conversations my girls and I have , and will make no conversation off limits to them.
Its been an emotional week for me and I hope all who tuned in to read understand where I am coming from. I cherish my girls, and the thought of some WORTHLESS COWARD taking them from me has shaken me to the core. If there is any justice in the world, I will steal a line from Two and a Half Men, " I hope you're getting the prongs of the pitchfork with no lube"
SVP -OUT
