The mere thought of the family vacation makes my shoulders rise. There are so many different stages to the vacation that literally send my stress level from yellow to red, and quickly.After recently taking a family vacation I decided to sit back and take a good hard look at the process to figure out if there were any areas that I could improve to ensure a stress free vacation. The result, an overwhelming no!
There is not one aspect of the vacation that stresses me yet a plethora of them that make me wanna sucker punch someone with a fist full of quarters by the time I get home.
Lets first start with packing. The concept seems simple, you take a few outfits and make sure that you have enough underwear and toiletries to get through the allotted time. But wait, then add 2 kids and a wife that feels the need to take each suitcase to the very edge of 50 pounds so when we get to the airport we don't have to pay the overweight fee. See, I have the wife that would actually stand in lime and move things from one bag to another while I am standing in the background with my credit card in hand telling the jovial airlines employee who is so thrilled to be there just to charge me. We actually got a suitcase weigher as a gift, and quite honestly it was one of the best gifts we ever got! We actually know before we go to the airport whether or not I will have to try and sneak a knee to the side of the bag and hold it up slightly while its on the scale so the employee does not see. Who on earth needs 50 pounds of clothing for a 5 day trip.....apparently we do! Our daughters take 4 more outfits than they will need and my wife easily packs 4-5 pair of shoes that will NEVER leave the suitcase. Yet I need to pack only one pair of shoes and God forbid I try and pack my big bottle of Polo. All of this leaves me shaking my head and gritting my newly replaced teeth.
The next aspect of the trip is the trip to the airport. See, wifey travel a ton and is an A member with Southwest so she thinks that the actual travel time of one person will equal that of 4 including two small children who are half asleep because we are taking a 5am flight. I try and get to the airport at least an hour and a half before the flight so I have time to have a cup of coffee, relax and potentially drop the kids at the pool before I get on the plane. Wifey takes the O.J. approach and feels the need to get to the airport with just enough time for me to blow my nose and again grit my teeth. And as usual I'm the bad guy because I am huffing and puffing in the airport while she is a picture of composure under pressure.
Next we move to the seat battle. See, as the SVP of Household Ops, I am the one that BOTH kids want to sit with on the plane and we always split the seats and hope that nobody sits next to us. Wifey actually has a "move" where she will not make eye contact with anyone in the aisle hoping that they will not sit next to her. Me on the other hand say hello to everyone and ultimately get the lovely 300 pound 80 year old woman that now needs to squeeze through and then squeeze out 3 or 4 times during the flight. Yumm! The seating usually involve a bribe and one kid making faces at the other for the duration of the flight. Luckily we have a portable DVD player which keeps one of them busy.Oh, and if you don't have children and are traveling to a kid friendly destination, do not shake your head at me or make any snide remarks that could have you searching for what used to be your front teeth. If you don't have kids, you have no idea how difficult it is traveling with them .We know that they might act up, deal with it or go somewhere like Vegas.
Now we are in whatever island destination we have chosen and the process of getting to the hotel from the airport begins. People become absolute maniacs when they are strapped with bags and kids. Add a foreign beach resort and all thought of rational behavior is thrown out the window. People are racing for shuttles, fighting for cabs and hitting me with the stack of 14 suitcases they have taken with them for the 5 day stay. Apparently they are not aware of the 50 pound rule or better yet don't care enough to abide by it.
Ahhhh, we arrive at the resort or hotel and all should be good, Right?, Wrong! The price conscious one next to me refuses to upgrade the room and we are on two queen size beds and again the debate begins.....who gets to sleep with Dad. Debate diffused as we come up with a rotating schedule and I take a peek into the minbar to make sure that it is stocked and immediately take an $8 beer which insights a riot in wifey's wallet. "did you just take a beer from the minibar?"she asks......"did you just travel 9 hrs with me and the kids?' I reply. Argument over for now, and me and my $8 beer head to the balcony to check out the digs.
So we are settled in and now its time to get the lay of the land. We take a quick tour and realize that there is a cruise ship that lets out every day and they have day passes to our resort. Huh? If I had known that I would have gone somewhere else! I went to said resort to relax and have fun, not get inundated with 300 plus cruise yahoos that get to take over the resort each day for $50! So each morning on my way from the gym I greet the line of yahoos with a scowl and move on.
Now that we are sharing the facility you know what we need to talk about next......chairs! Every morning I had to play the "who was gonna get to the chairs first and put down all there belongings" game. This is a game that I am a willing participant because if we do not have a seat front and center at the pool I will be in that and both all day chasing the kids around. If I can get up early enough to beat the cruise people I can get good seats and throw towels and books on the chairs to solidify our camp for the day. Success will be mine as I head out 15 minutes before the towel hut opens and am 1st in line 5 of 6 days! I rule. Eat that cruise people!
Seats secured its time to get the kids lubed up and pool ready. See the family vacation gives wifey a break from the day to day grind....for me, it's a continuation of my day to day responsibilities. By noon wifey is usually catching flies in a lounge chair while I am on my 456th trip down the water slide and 6 $8 beers deep! In fairness to her she was an active participant on the last trip because the kids are at different swimming levels and therefore were doing different slides. Day is over, I am beat and ready for a nap !
Repeat cycle for 5 more days and then its time to get packed up and ready to go home! Oh, but wait, the 50 lb suitcases are not feeling more like 80 lb suitcases and the vein in my forehead is actually visible. Thankfully people in tropical islands could care a less how much your bag weighs, so they ask us some random questions and we are on our way. 9 hrs later and a plane change in a pleasant city and we are home. I've now got 17 loads of laundry to do and need to figure out what that smell is in the backpack and where it came from! Can't wait to do this again!
Word to the wise, if you are headed on a family vacation that requires air travel and layovers bring patience and a flask of Bacardi!
Love you honey!!
SVP- OUT
